I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
