I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
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Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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