wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
