she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
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