you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
