Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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