Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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