walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
