How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
