Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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