I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
