I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
