I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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