That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
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being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
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Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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