I smell stomach acid.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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