Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
