i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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