Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
