My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i came on her dog
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
