The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
