there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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