Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
