I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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