Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Green mimosas i think yes
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
