I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
