You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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