Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
FUCK WHALES
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
