someone owes me an orgasm
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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