i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
