You can't motorboat a personality
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
