shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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