I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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