We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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