Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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