My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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