i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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