I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
