Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
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You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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