somebody snuck up and got me drunk
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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