i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
