nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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