and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
