my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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