Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
