The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
