Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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