Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
