jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
