I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
