i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
