Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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