I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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