I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
