DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Randomize
