Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
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Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
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How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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