oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
