ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
