here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
