Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
this hospital has no fireball
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
