I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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