The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
