You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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