Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
